Rueters, Fakehamshire, England
Washington DC and the rest of the USA is abuzz with news, for it appears that Stan Greyback, the one time senator from Kansas, has been elected their president.
Through 2008 the battle for chief executive emerged as one of great proportions. Greyback, the Red state diehard, has continuously supported tax breaks for farming and manufacturing while being in opposition to industries prevalent in the blue states, such as biotechnology, moviemaking, wineries and other such marks of "haute couture" that abound on the coasts.
In fact, his membership in and support of the newly founded Freedom Party was cause alone for concern. Its deceased founder Patty DuCannon once described Hiram Smith as a great man who "strove for freedom and equality". This sort of concern eventually led to Greyback's actual exclusion from the ballots of California, Massachusetts, New York, Vermont, and New Hampshire, a practice not seen for over one hundred years. In other blue states, he received dismally low votes, with most percentages in the single digits. Somehow, this protest from such prominent states was insufficient to keep him from winning the electoral college. And as a result, a nation which was once divided in terms of colors on a map stands in even more disunity than before.
There are even murmurings that his agenda may be as staunchly anti-abortion as those of Hiram Smith. Speaking from his Topeka estate, Greyback had these words for concerned Americans, blue state and red state alike.
"America was founded as a democracy and will only flourish as a democracy. The proud people of these fifty states have striven to provide freedom for all peoples of all lands. While some view the cause of abortion as part and parcel of this move towards providing consistent liberty to people of all walks of life, it is in the hands of the lawmakers who represent you citizens to make such decisions. Therefore, people of all states may rest assured that I have no intention to injure the normal course of law for any party preferences. I wish you all the best, and am excitedly preparing for what promises to be a term of great progress and growth for this great country of ours. May God bless you, and this land."
Pundits and bloggers alike have analyzed this brief speech to their wits' ends. On the side of those who support Greyback, conservative radio announcer Bush Extremitybough had this to say:
"I can't see why these tax and spend liberals in California and other places want to kill babies, but listen people, this is America. And Greyback has made it clear that he won't be a tyrant like old Slick Willy and his VP Igor did. Hopefully Congress can change things, but seriously, read up on Greyback. As a trial lawyer he defended several abortion doctors in Kansas--he's not going to try to outlaw abortion outside the normal process of law and order that this new Freedom Party stands for. So grow up and come see me at my next book signing. And if you know what's good for you, you'll bring me a Cohiba. That's a cigar, for those of you out in Adelanto."
In agreement with this, more serious analysts like Filliam W. Duckley have pointed to campaign speeches of Greyback. As Duckley observed, in one debate with Shmancy Pelozzi, Greyback stated, "look folks, a fetus is a meaningless ball of cells, if that's what you think it is. You can't call flour and eggs a cake--you have to bake it. And we all know that this is just like the issue of whether a fetus is a child or not. If that's your perspective, that is what it is. But I should say, if you believe life begins at conception, it begins at conception."
Will these and many other words, which point to Greyback as not only a member of the Freedom Party, but as one who has championed the cause of choice, assuage the fears of those states which refused to support Greyback?
There are many who say that this is inadequate. "After all," remarked former Republican governor of California Hercules Terminator, "this man is coming from the party that opposes the great people of California. My movies have been taxed to the point of starvation. You are driving the big companies to places like Canada, and my wife Miriam O'Kennison's family in Massachussetts is also worried about this guy. They didn't vote for him because the Freedom party has put a 5000% tax on books without pictures. And don't get me started on this abortion issue-it drives me crazy, just like how those Latina women get."
The firebrands are waving their flags on both sides of this issue. And we Britons, as observers of a nation divided can only ask:
What will Greyback do when he is in the White House? Will he bring peace and reconciliation, or will resentment and division grow? We can only hope and pray that this does not occur.
------Rueters is a fictitious news source. In most cases, names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.